2011-07-08 Consider goats. Got it? Ok. Now you may or may not know that goats were one of the earliest domesticated animals. Long, long ago, some early humans decided goats were useful creatures, and tamed them to be around humans, to calmly provide us with their milk, and to not kick us in the nuts whilst doing so. Well, not all the time anyway. In history class, they never really cover how domestication happens. It's just 1) wild animal, then BOOM 2) domesticated animal. It was probably some loony guy who first came up with the idea, "I'm gonna get me one of them bovines over there!" The first several thousand of these guys were probably trampled to death (or kicked in the nuts), but eventually one of them managed to choose a placid beast. And then I guess they controlled temperament through selective breeding. But what about inbreeding? It seems like this would need to be a larger operation than just one tribe luring away a couple of animals that they found in the woods. Or maybe I'm not giving the primitive people enough credit. Like I said, they never really covered this in school. Anyway, so we've got these goats. They were domesticated to provide humans with milk, meat, and hide. Chickens were domesticated to give us eggs. Horses were domesticated to give us transport. Cats were domesticated to poop in boxes. But when was the last time we humans pulled of a domestication of some animal? I think it's been a while. I am getting somewhere with this. Last week, an article came out about the wealth of rare earth minerals awaiting extraction at the bottom of the ocean. This isn't really surprising, since the ocean floor is loaded with minerals, and rare earths aren't really that rare, just difficult to extract in mass quantities. And being on the ocean floor makes them even more difficult to extract. The obvious solution to this problem is domesticated fish. Fish ain't that bright, but training them to haul some material to the surface should be doable. I mean, even pigeons can be trained, right? Plus, I feel we have more pull with fish: "Hey tuna, haul up some yttrium, or I'm gonna eat you." No one wants to eat a pigeon. But tuna is tasty. Tuna lives could be spared if they'd just succumb to slavery. That's a good trade, right? I'm pretty sure they teach this on the first day of Labor Management, "If you're willing to eat your workers, they'll work harder." Where do fish go to learn? College.

2010-07-05 Phase Two of the Van Buren Experiment recently got going, and I'm back to loading my pockets with dollar coins. I've written about the purpose of the Experiment before, so I won't rehash that. The base point is that dollar bills suck, and need to come out of circulation. While replacing our (self +2) personal paper dollars with dollar coins is fine, it isn't very large-scale. There must be some other way I can influence currency usage.... Of course I have an idea. In fact, this idea of mine will aid our nation on two fronts: first by pulling out paper dollars (Bad Ones) from circulation, while at the same time reducing inflation. The benefits of the former are well-known (in some circles). And inflation, as we are all aware, is a tool that the government uses to advantage when debtors (including itself). Inflation disadvantages those of us who currently hold dollars, as their value continues to be eroded over time. This invisible tax must be stopped. Thus I present to you my plan to combat both evils. For each paper dollar mailed to me, I shall return to the sender one Inflation-Reduction Coupon. So I'll be taking out a spendable piece of paper and replacing it with a nonspendable piece of paper. Questions? Q: What can I get by holding an Inflation-Reduction Coupon? A: ... paper cuts? Q: Nothing else? A: It's a token of your commitment to the cause. Q: What will you do with all the dollars you get? A: They will be put in a box. Q: And then? A: I will guard them, as Keeper of the Bad Ones. Q: That's it? A: As long as they're kept in the box, they're out of circulation. Unfortunately, I can't burn them, as it's illegal to knowingly destroy or mutilate US currency. However, if a large enough quantity is acquired ($100k), I may personally export the whole stock to Timaru, where they can be destroyed outside of Uncle Sam's purview. Q: And after 100,000 people send you free cash, you're not just going to take the money and run? A: Not at all. As stated before, the money shall stay in the box, until it reaches a certain amount. The money shall not be used for my personal gain. Once 100k is reached, I pledge to -- at my own personal peril -- escort the box to it's final demise. Naturally I'll need to spend a little to make the long journey, but I promise to hire the smallest possible luxury hovercraft available. Trust me, this is for the good of the republic. First seigniorage, then franking

2010-06-01 Sometime around May every year, I get hit confluence of expirations. Lease renewal. Renter's insurance renewal. Car insurance renewal. DSL Cable Internet re-up. BusinessWeek renewal. Yearly anniversary at work (6 more years until vacation bump-up!). And this year, car registration and driver's license as well. Basically May-June is the anniversary of when I started Real Life. So it's hard not to reflect on things this time of year. It's also hard (for me) not to look forward, and realize that May-June would be a really good time to shake things up. It'd be pretty easy to cut and run. Since I don't have a mortgage tying me down, the closest things I have to an anchor are these annual contracts. So for a short period of time each year (right now), I could walk away from them all without penalty, and do something that's been on my list. But that year is not this year. Doesn't mean big life changes can't happen though. It's not necessary to move to another continent to do something big. For instance, I've decided to change my date of birth. Went right on down to the courthouse and got a judge to take care of it for me. My new date of birth is Novembuary 10. Also, my driver's license now says that I'm an Organ Consumer. ...and it says "best if used by" instead of "expires"

2010-02-16 Over thirty billion dollars. That's how much money Apple has stated they have in current assets. Thirty billion. For reference, other tech companies such as HP, IBM, and Cisco also have tens of billions in cash. The difference is, Apple carries no debt; that $30B is free and clear. So I wonder, what are they going to do with all that money? Things companies use "extra" money for: Make acquisitions Pay a dividend Buy back stock Apple has never done any of these, and I doubt that will change in the foreseeable future. Which is why I ask the question, what are they going to do? As I see it, there is only one sensible, feasible, and prudent use of the cash pile: Steve Jobs will buy an island and create Appletopia. If you're like me (I am!), you've researched islands for sale on the Internet. They're surprisingly affordable. Pick this one up in Panama for only $30k. And you can forget the bedsheets and clothesline, this one already has a fort on it! Islands are plentiful and the variety is vast. But to be realistic, Steve's gonna need to find a much larger island if it's meant to be home to 35,000 Apple employees, plus hordes of pilgrims. Trouble is, big islands are hard to come by. Even if you're willing to pay big bucks, the most expensive options aren't that large. No Taiwans are up for sale. However, there is an alternative to scaling up, and that's scaling out: the Appletopia Archipelago. I direct your attention to Greece... Greece is in a bind: lots of debt and a displeased public unwilling to cope with higher taxes, service cuts, and lower state wages. As a member of the Eurozone, it's possible that Greece will be bailed out by the other members. But that option isn't so popular with people in the other member states, particularly Germany, where the majority do not support financial assistance for Greece. If Greece gets stonewalled on this, there's a chance they'll get the boot from the Eurozone and go back to the drachma. With their monetary independence, they'll be able to devalue their currency to promote investment in the country. The cheap drachma will be beneficial to holders of stronger currencies, such as the US dollar. Who do we know with a lot of dollars... ah right, Apple. Apple: cash in-hand and in the island-buying market. Greece has about 1400 islands, and Apple could afford to pay over $20M for each. Compare that number to the going prices on the island real estate websites. And those prices don't take into affect the cheapness of the drachma. This is starting to look like a real possibility, innit? Just picture Steve Jobs as Poseidon, with a trident. The Apple Islands iLands will for a short time be inhabited exclusively by Apple folk, steeped in the essence of their eliteness. Everything will be fine in their shiny, minimalistic, multitouch world. But shortly thereafter, a random Apple employee will be rubbing on his phone, syncing his Post-Its with his .Mac account, and realize, "Hey, everybody is rubbing on their phones. How can I possibly live in a place where the masses are just like me?" With the eliteness spell nearly dissolved, quick action will be taken. Many rich suburban communities are planned around the rich, with no accommodation made for the poor working class. They eventually end up busing people in so the community can actually function. Much the same, The Steve will decree that Windows users and Nokia havers be imported to balance society. Their role of the Imports will be to whine about usability and complain that their phone menus are in Finnish. They will grumble and sadly keep themselves busy by using their computers for real work and use their phones to make calls. It will be a dreary existence; this dreariness will stimulate the Apple elite-conomy to design more shiny devices and rub on their phones until new apps pop out. The Import's lust for the shiny will continue to power Appletopia for decades. Also, Steve Jobs is dying and needs to find the Fountain of Youth. With 1400 islands under his control, he has a pretty good shot. Vote "yes" on shareholder proposition 2 next AAPL annual meeting

2009-12-20 Current slogans of the major cell carriers: AT&T: We've got the biggest 3G network! Verizon: We've got the fastest 3G network! Sprint: We've got the first 4G network! T-Mobile: Wein ist gorknoggerflankkensptiengupershigne von der wigglat! Just ask Cathrine Zeta Jones